What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 01:52
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
What did i know ?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I will be 64.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
If my lovely sister sleeps with my boyfriend, what should I do about her?
She loved him until the end.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And i lived it daily.
Why am I dreaming of people I've never seen before?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
What would have happened if Shin was a good movie instead of a bad one?
He resisted the act ,that day.
Who then, do I blame.?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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I think the readers, may guess!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
What was your most embarrassing and humiliating bare bottom spanking?
Im still living with it.
I don,t even have a pension.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Would this be the day?
Put me off passion for life!!
One cannot live in the past .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But ive been too sick for many years..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
(And it was in our own minds.)
He knew the spot.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was scared of men, in general
My life is so biszare .
I was 9 years of age.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
When she asked me how she looked .
But, we were locked up after school.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We all went to grammer schools
Why did i forgive my father ?
I couldn’t, believe it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She married twice! .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
It was going to be , some day.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As i do to all so called friends.?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I write beautiful poetry .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She found it foreign!.
But it wasn’t much.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My family never makes their pension either.
Comes on , in middle age.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
So, i spoilt her more .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
All the time i was locked up.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I never cut or harmed myself..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I have no regrets .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We were not on the streets..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I waited trembling.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She was in good health!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
This is soul school!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She wouldn,t have been !
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
So whats the point in blame.
I was very sick at this time too.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I said to her
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Ive learnt so much.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was seconnd youngest,
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!